Bathroom Strategy

There is currently a spat going on in the United States regarding who should use which bathroom.

The argument is largely that trans folk should be required to use the bathroom that corresponds with their gender assigned at birth. The reasoning behind this seems to be, if we don’t legislate bathroom policy men will figure out that all they need to do is say they feel like a gal pal to sneak into a lady restroom and then sexually assault all the women and children. You see, millions of sexual assaults are committed solely by trans people every single day. We have to put a law in place to keep them out of the bathroom area. Every one of these millions of sexual assaults only happen in restrooms. Outside of a toilet a trans person is quite harmless. I’ve heard they will even let you pet them. But inside a crap palace, the smell of urine and fecal matter drives them into a lust filled rage that can only be satiated by forcing sex upon pooping women while showing poorly lit pornography to children. The worst part is, the pornography is slightly out of focus. Not enough that you can’t see the boobies, but enough that you wonder if the photographer was trying to do manual focusing without their glasses on. We should force them to just shit in the street. Only when trans people eliminate waste in the road like the horses of yesteryear will bathrooms finally be safe.

I’m not trans. My sexuality would best be described as fluid, but this is a recent discovery so I don’t feel that I should march under the LGBTQ banner. (Also, I’m not super on board with rainbows. I think they are kind of cartoony and stupid. The yellow equals sign against the blue background is ok. I mean I understand the imagery but… I’m getting off topic.) These laws don’t affect me. They affect a very small portion of my friends, and a correspondingly small portion of our country. However, they are an extraordinarily disturbing trend in our nation’s political landscape.

The Supreme Court decision that legalized gay marriage in this country was a violent shock to the conservative movement. It wasn’t just a loss on a pretty standard platform issue. This was a devastating leg sweep to a load bearing pillar of conservative idealism. Since time immemorial “traditional values” has been code for a fairly strict form of Christianity. This form generally appears as go to church on Sunday and your morals are decided not by critical thinking but by a book.

Real quick diversion here. Every time you hold up the bible as “Core American Values,” remember that you are holding up a collection of writings that was written in a foreign country by people that you are now calling a terrorist. Back to my point.

Legalizing gay marriage basically put the last social platform conservatives had on life support. The Supreme Court decision regarding gay marriage pretty well put an end to the national debate. When SCOTUS decides something it’s damn near impossible to change it. So the anti-LGBTQ conservative elements in our country took a page out of the anti-abortion playbook. (They aren’t pro-life, they are anti-abortion. Calling them pro-life legitimizes their ridiculous arguments.) They have begun something even more dangerous than banning gay marriage. They have begun to legislate against the outside boundaries of the core fight.

When abortion was made legal by SCOTUS, the trend became passing laws that made the operation onerous to perform. The most recent tactic has been to require any facility that provides abortions to have hospital admitting privileges, level 3 operating wards, unicorns, and the resurrection stone or they must shut down. The end result is that millions of women can’t get the basic lady doctor needs that are so vital to their health. Legislating boundaries has been going on forever. When black people got the right to vote conservatives started voter registration laws. When women were determined to not be property we got we strange tax legislation. There is a tremendous and well documented history of hard core conservatives throwing a legal wet blanket over any improvements to things that frighten them. When they lose the big fight they always harass the surrounding issues like legislative piranhas. Now, it’s getting worse.

The trans panic bathroom laws are the inevitable and horrific result of the gay marriage legal victory. The terrifying logic behind them is the political equivalent of a two year old having a temper tantrum because they weren’t allowed to have sprinkles on their ice cream. I am not implying that the gay marriage victory wasn’t the correct and moral thing to do; especially considering the way marriage is enshrined inside our legal framework.  It totally was.  I’m pointing out that every time we get a victory for social justice the reaction from many conservative elements is to find the weakest members of our group and try to beat them to death with local level legislation. The reaction is stunningly disproportionate too. Oh I have to be nice to the new kid at school? Fine. Fuck you. I’m going to set fire to this penguin that’s minding its own business.

The trans community is amazing, and far from weak. The amount of courage it takes to publicly transition in either direction is astonishing. I know I am not that brave. They also have the best allies in the business. I weep for anyone that goes against the LGBTQ community because their lawyers are crazy smart. Seriously, I know one and had her fact check this before I published it. A bunch of dick head city councilors are in for a world of designer hurt. Just you wait.

What is happening sucks. Legislating where people go to the bathroom is the craziest thing I’ve ever heard, and I once [INSERT APPLICABLE PUNCHLINE HERE]. I’m 90% certain we already have laws that severely punish people who sexually assault other people regardless of gender identity. As a country we should focus less on where people shit and more on the prosecution and prevention of sexual assault WHEREVER it happens. You know the number of times a trans person has made the nightly news for molesting a little kid? It’s a hell of a lot less than the number of times a conservative senator has. How about we get a separate bathroom for congressmen with a history as a wrestling coach? (Super topical reference. High five me.) While you are at it, get rid of the statute of limitations for child molestation. You should not be able to get away with that as a reward for keeping it secret long enough.

The real problem with all of this is that these local politicians, who actually think they are doing good, are being horrible bigots under the guise of protecting women and children in order to save face after their side lost in the Supreme Court. If you really want to prevent sexual assault then you should hold well known perpetrators accountable and provide real education and demonstrable solutions to its prevention; not just advise women to stay away from parties with fucking alcohol. What you don’t do is marginalize a group of people who pay their taxes and risk real violence every time they walk out their front door. You are claiming to be a guardian of women and children but you are doing it behind a tissue paper shield. When you do that you aren’t a hero. You are the part of your body that you incorrectly believe the trans community wants to penetrate. How many real problems have you over looked in your quest to regain some power? I get that you are afraid of looking balless but… You know what. Here is not the place for that type of joke.

For any politicians thinking of passing laws that only target trans folk you should actually meet a trans person. Sit down with one trans person and have a meeting for one hour. It doesn’t have to be in a bathroom. It can be in a fancy restaurant, or some other place you haven’t banned them from yet. You can even bring bodyguards just in case I’m wrong and they do carry an urge to have forced sexual congress with you. Talk with them for one hour and then see if you still want to sign your name to a bigoted rag full of legal hate speech. You don’t look tough when you pass these laws. You put real people in real danger. Why don’t you go solve the heroine epidemic? Or is it easier to be a dick bucket than to solve difficult problems?

Oh shit. Did I just figure out what you are doing? Sorry for blowing your cover.