I’ve always wanted a drone. \u00a0When I was a kid a friend of my father’s flew model airplanes and I thought he was the coolest guy in the world. \u00a0A couple of years ago I bought a tiny little toy helicopter that I used to fly around my apartment while pretending I was friends with Magnum P.I. \u00a0It was awesome. \u00a0A drone though… \u00a0That was something else. \u00a0A multirotored flying platform that I can fly through the skies like I’m the Sky Captain and this is Tomorrow? \u00a0A drone is a radio controlled wet\u00a0dream made reality.<\/p>\n
The further I have gotten into photography as a hobby the more I have fallen in love with my GoPro. \u00a0Don’t get me wrong, taking the Canon* out and getting some great shots with a long lens is fun. \u00a0However, I can strap my GoPro to just about anything to get some truly unique perspectives on the world. \u00a0The GoPro is tailor made to mount on a drone and look at the world from above. \u00a0Seeing the world from the same perspective as birds always gives me a thrill. \u00a0I hate flying, mostly because no one actually knows how planes stay in the air. \u00a0What I mean to say is that no one knows how the Bernoulli Principle works. \u00a0It’s an observable phenomenon that we don’t actually understand. \u00a0I’m an atheist who loves science. \u00a0Talk to a physicist. \u00a0Corner them with a knife and nothing to lose. \u00a0They will eventually admit that while we know it works we don’t know why. \u00a0Since\u00a0we don’t actually know what keeps planes in the air I would say that makes it magic. \u00a0Since I know magic is based on lies, I can logically conclude that lies are what keep planes in the air. \u00a0Mounting a GoPro to a drone would allow me to see things like a bird but without having to get into a plane. \u00a0Then I could do aerial photography and finally achieve happiness.<\/p>\n
Most drones capable of carrying a GoPro are out of my price range. \u00a0Imagine the level of joy I achieved when I discovered that a Kickstarter project aimed to create a compact tri-rotor vehicle that was strong enough to carry a GoPro. \u00a0Not only that, but the project was fully funded and they had shipped what they called The Pocket Drone to people. \u00a0NOT ONLY THAT BUT HOLY CRAP NUGGETS THERE IS ONE ON EBAY AND IT”S ONLY $150 AND I WON THE BID AND HOW DO I HIDE THIS ERRECTION?!?!?!?!<\/p>\n
The drone arrived on a radiant Saturday\u00a0morning. \u00a0In actuality the weather was quite dreary, but I contend that owning a drone changes how you perceive the weather. \u00a0It was fucking radiant. \u00a0I charged the battery and went into the parking lot outside my apartment. \u00a0I did not want to fly the drone. \u00a0My apartments are not worthy of being photographed from the air. \u00a0I wanted to make sure that the Pocket Drone survived the shipping process. \u00a0It is important to me that you understand I had no intention of taking to the heavens and demonstrating my air superiority to Grandview Heights Ohio.<\/p>\n
Step 1:\u00a0Turn on remote control.<\/p>\n
Everything is going well.<\/p>\n
Step 2: Connect battery to drone.<\/p>\n
I am in complete control of this situation.<\/p>\n
Step 3: Arm drone.<\/p>\n
Hello Skynet. \u00a0I didn’t realize you would be coming online today.<\/p>\n
Upon being armed the Drone immediately shot 150 feet in the air and stopped responding to the remote. \u00a0The following is what I believe to be an accurate transcripts of my thoughts:<\/p>\n
“Oh God please make it stop.\u00a0Why am I asking a deity that I don’t believe in to make it stop. \u00a0Is the drone drifting towards those power lines? \u00a0Why is the drone not responding to controls? \u00a0Did this thing watch Mad Max Fury Road as it’s inflight entertainment on it’s journey to me? \u00a0Can I purchase mood altering medication for drones? \u00a0Has this drone been sent by an ex-girlfriend? \u00a0Oh thank god it’s moving away from the power lines. \u00a0Why won’t it come down? \u00a0Is it actively defying all the laws of aerodynamics? \u00a0Am I going to die? \u00a0Why didn’t I turn a camera on to film this? \u00a0 Why am I asking so many questions right now? \u00a0Is it coming back down? \u00a0It is! \u00a0Wait, why is it moving faster and to the left? \u00a0Did it just crash land on that commercial building? \u00a0It did. \u00a0Is the nightmare over?”<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
<\/p>\n
The drone crash-landed on top of a building owned by The Ohio State University. \u00a0In an attempt to get access to the roof I tried all the doors and called all of the numbers written on the outside of the building to no avail. \u00a0In retrospect some of those numbers were addresses, which explains why they did not work.<\/p>\n
I eventually realized there were cars parked around the building, so someone had to be inside. \u00a0It was then that I did the creepiest thing I have ever done in my life. I located mail on the front seat of someone’s car, looked them up on the internet, and then sent them the following email:<\/p>\n
\nThis is going to sound super weird but I lost a helicopter on top of the building you work at and I was wondering if you could let me in to run up to the roof and get it real quick.I know this is strange. I was walking around the building looking for someone and I noticed your name in your car so I looked you up online and I swear I am not a crazy human even though this sounds like it. I’m right outside and my phone number is xxx-xxx-xxxx. Sorry this is so weird and crazy.
\nSent from my iPhone<\/div>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/p>\n
Within five minutes the gentlemen that received the\u00a0e-mail came out to meet me with a look on his face that said, “You shouldn’t have been able to find me. \u00a0The marshals said I would be safe.” It turned out that he didn’t have roof access and we parted company. \u00a0I like to think that when he tells this story to his future grandchildren they will finally understand why pop pop insists\u00a0the internet is to be feared and that’s why, “You can’t trust The Google.”<\/div>\n<\/div>\nI eventually recovered the drone a few days later when a maintenance worker found it up there and gave it back to me in a plastic bag. \u00a0A plastic bag is the traditional way in which you return an item to someone that has smashed itself into a thousand pieces. \u00a0A friend of mine is using his 3D printer to make me some replacement parts because as it turns out the company that invented this particular drone has gone bankrupt. \u00a0I’ve named the drone “The Littlest Psycho.” \u00a0A name I plan to have airbrushed onto her hull with flames and an anarchy symbol to represent how hardcore she is.<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/p>\n
That’s the story of how I wasted two-hundred dollars and sort of kind of stalked a PH.D. student.<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/p>\n
*Yes I shoot Canon. \u00a0Canon is awesome. \u00a0Listen Terry. \u00a0I don’t care how many times you say, “It’s impossible to get a decent image with anything other than Nikon.” \u00a0My pictures of the baby panda are just as good as yours. \u00a0Better even because I’m not the jack hole shooting through Lexan. \u00a0I walked five feet to the right and didn’t have anything between my glass and Bao Bao. \u00a0Did you get a free drink for showing your picture to a waitress at the DC airport? \u00a0I didn’t think so. \u00a0Now stop picking on the kid trying to take a picture with her iPad. \u00a0She just wants to look at the Panda and you are ruining everything!<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"I’ve always wanted a drone. \u00a0When I was a kid a friend of my father’s flew model airplanes and I thought he was the coolest guy in the world. \u00a0A couple of years ago I bought a tiny little toy helicopter that I used to fly around my apartment while pretending I was friends with…<\/p>\n