I recently had what I now realize is a rather large success.<\/p>\n
My next appointment isn’t for six weeks.<\/p>\n
For those who don’t know, which is probably most people, I have privately struggled with depression for a number of years. It wasn’t until recently that a name was given to my personal rainy day parade.<\/p>\n
I have dysthymic depressive disorder.<\/p>\n
It’s not as dynamic as bi-polar or as sinister sounding as a Clinical Depression. It’s a mild chronic depressive disorder. In my case my brain simply doesn’t make enough serotonin. That’s the chemical that makes you all happy and feel good. My brain produces it, just not enough for me to casually enjoy a tortoise trying to pin down a tomato to big for it’s mouth. Oh I can enjoy that sight, but I have to work at it.<\/p>\n
Dysthymia is a sneaker upper. You don’t realize anything is wrong for quite some time. The world is kind of grey all the time. It’s almost as though it is always about to rain, but not quite yet. You are in a constant state of, “Please just let the hammer fall!” The problem is you don’t realize it. There are good days, but even those are tainted with the thought that eventually this day will end and you won’t be enjoying it anymore. It builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and I think you get the point. Food doesn’t have quite the same taste. Scotch isn’t as smokey. Animal documentaries aren’t as enlightening. You slowly lose the will to live.<\/p>\n
I should pause for a moment here to say that I have never been suicidal. I have no doubt that there are others who are afflicted with the same depressive disorder as myself and have made an ultimately tragic direction. I only highlight that while I have entertained those thoughts I always set them aside as irrational and not an option. I am not planning, nor have I ever seriously entertained the thought of inflicting serious bodily harm upon myself.<\/p>\n
Losing the will to live meant that I didn’t enjoy things that I used to love. \u00a0That sounds rather cavalier, but until you lose the desire to enjoy anything at all I don’t think you can understand. \u00a0For me every stand up gig was just another show. Magic didn’t contain it’s namesake. \u00a0Two constants in my life grew to become dull and a chore. \u00a0That was when panic set in. \u00a0I knew I was at my absolute lowest in December of 2013. I don’t really remember why I was so miserable. I just remember laying on my couch and being wracked with uncontrollable sobs as I systematically canceled my performance schedule for the next six months. \u00a0All I could do was play Ocarina of Time and escape into a world where I was a nameless but never celebrated hero. \u00a0(NOTE: Video games are awesome but not a substitute for therapy. \u00a0DO NOT LEARN THIS THE HARD WAY.)<\/p>\n
That was when I finally sought help.<\/p>\n
I knew I needed to see a professional. I had a problem that I wasn’t going to be able to overcome by myself. \u00a0Finding a therapist is a very daunting task because it is not something that anyone is well equipped to do. \u00a0There is no classroom where one of your teachers say, “At some unspecified point in the future you are going to need to talk to a professional about your brain being a douche knuckle to you. \u00a0That’s just part of the human condition. \u00a0Here is a step by step guide to finding a the right one for you.” \u00a0That is something we really should equip future generations with.<\/p>\n
The first time I went to a therapist it was a train wreck. \u00a0The head shrinker latched onto one portion of my identity and did their very best to help me categorize myself based on the sole fact they had gleaned. \u00a0This is the conversation we had. \u00a0While the facts are the same, some of the exchange has been altered in an effort to make an incredibly bleak time more hilarious for the reader.<\/p>\n
Therapist: So you are a nerd?<\/p>\n
Me: You could identify me as such yes.<\/p>\n
Therapist: Of the major characters of the original series of Stark Trek which would you say you most identify with?<\/p>\n
Me: I never watched the original series.<\/p>\n
Therapist: But you are a nerd.<\/p>\n
Me: Yeah, but there are a lot of nerds who never watched Firefly, and if they had it wouldn’t be off the air now and we wouldn’t be sitting here.<\/p>\n
Therapist: How about you just answer the question?<\/p>\n
Me: I don’t think I can. \u00a0I never watched the original series. \u00a0I saw a fair amount of Deep Space Nine. \u00a0I guess I sort of identify with Odo, but more during the second and third series when he is starting to make friendships but still feels lost. \u00a0I’ll be honest, I didn’t pay much attention. \u00a0I only saw a few episodes and in the later seasons he really changes a lot. \u00a0Especially when he starts dating Major Kira. \u00a0I only saw the last half of the episodes because it was on before Battle Dome…<\/p>\n
Therapist: Erik, I think you should take this seriously. \u00a0Of the original series, which of the characters do you most identify with?<\/p>\n
Me: I am taking this seriously, I did not ever watch the original series of Star Trek. \u00a0I don’t know the characters. \u00a0I’m 28, that show was off the air before I was born.<\/p>\n
Therapist: But you know the archetypes of the characters?<\/p>\n
Me: I know the archetypes that the actors’ public personas were. \u00a0Does that count?<\/p>\n
Therapist: How about Spock? \u00a0Do you think you were the most like Spock?<\/p>\n
Me: Sure.<\/p>\n
Therapist: That’s very interesting because [WHITE NOISE.]<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
My first experience with therapy was not so much a healing experience as a lesson on how all nerds know everything there is to know about Star Trek. \u00a0Not only did I not click with this therapist, I spent the remainder of the evening trying to figure out how to bounce the check I was going to write for that session.<\/p>\n
I went through a few others until I found my current therapist. \u00a0I met a kind and gentle woman who was able to surgically cut through all of my defense mechanisms and force me to confront things that I had been hiding from since Star Trek The Original Series went off the air. \u00a0We tried a number of different avenues when it came to my personal healing quest. \u00a0Normally you would call it a journey, but sometimes I like to pretend I am a wizard. \u00a0Wizards go on quests. \u00a0Not all of the methods of personal growth were for me, and my new brain druid\u00a0could tell that.<\/p>\n
We started with a type of therapy called Mindfulness. \u00a0This delightfully crackpot way of approaching the universe was bestowed upon us by the delightful crackpot known as Jon Kabat-Zinn. \u00a0For a hyper rational like me, reading his book was like trying to translate the cracks in a brick wall using a Mandarin to Cyrillic\u00a0dictionary. \u00a0I’m sure mindfulness has helped a lot of people. \u00a0I’m not one of them. \u00a0The worst part is I have half a dozen books on mindfulness in my iBooks library, and all of them stare at me like a mob of compassionate sand-rakers. \u00a0Let this be a lesson to anyone trying to undergo self improvement. \u00a0Buy the physical book. \u00a0When you discover that you want the author to jump into a lake of turtle poop; you can get rid of the actual book.<\/p>\n
Eventually we hit on two things. \u00a0The first of which was a compound called 5-HTP. \u00a0Without going into all the nitty gritty it is a pre-cursor for the happy hormone serotonin. \u00a0Turns out you can’t mainline serotonin. \u00a0When you do that they call you a heroin addict. \u00a0My therapist wasn’t licensed to prescribe heroin. \u00a0Something about insurance. \u00a0People like myself who don’t naturally make enough serotonin can take this supplement to help their brain get back to normal hormonal levels. \u00a0This allowed me to get to the real work of unpacking my self created shame spirals and learn to combat negative self talk and self image. \u00a0I was ready to begin the Jewel song of my life. \u00a0The second thing we discovered was that I experience shame like an otter experiences a river.<\/p>\n
I began the long and tedious process of learning to forgive myself for not having hindsight. \u00a0To allow myself to accept that when I was young I was going to make mistakes. \u00a0To allow myself to stop making jokes about learning to accept the kindness of others and just actually accept the kindness. \u00a0There was a lot of work done in reframing my own self image. \u00a0I never realized what a powerful and destructive force that shame is. \u00a0I will never underestimate it again. \u00a0Spending as much time as I have in the shame pits that I have dug has not been pleasant. \u00a0It’s a quiet and scary force that we must all guard against.<\/p>\n
This all came to a head a week after my 30th birthday when some very close friends of mine threw me a birthday roast. \u00a0For those who have only seen the knife twisting blood baths that are Comedy Central specials, a real roast is the supreme act of comedy love. \u00a0A group of comedians chooses to celebrate another by gathering all of the people who love that comedian in a room and then say the things to their face that they would only otherwise say behind the roastee’s back. \u00a0It’s tremendously uncomfortable, embarrassing, and highly creative. \u00a0It’s the greatest gift one comedian can give to another when it’s done correctly. \u00a0My roast was masterfully done from the most sincere hearts I have ever met.<\/p>\n
A few days after it happened I had an appointment. \u00a0My therapist hammered away using that room full of people as evidence that I wasn’t the horrendous pile of garbage that I had grown to view myself as. \u00a0Finally things started to click. \u00a0All of those mean people were right. I’m not just a heap of bad. \u00a0A few sessions later and I was beginning to forgive myself because my friends had given my therapist the greatest tool anyone who subscribes to “Modern Psychologist” could ask for. \u00a0They gave her a room full of incontrovertible proof that there were other people who loved me unconditionally.<\/p>\n
A few weeks ago we got half way through the session and realized that things were better than they had been in thirty years. \u00a0It was like I was seeing in color again. \u00a0Indian food had spice. \u00a0Scotch was suddenly delicious. \u00a0That tortoise has got tomato all over her face and it is awesome!<\/p>\n
Together we decided that\u00a0I didn’t need to come back for six weeks.<\/p>\n
My brain wasn’t being mean to me. \u00a0I had the skill set to cope with being a human. \u00a0My brain still doesn’t make enough serotonin, but I have a tool to help with that. \u00a0It’s been a very long road filled with a lot of fluids leaking out of my face. \u00a0I didn’t know what I wanted out of therapy when I started, but it turns out all I needed was to be told that I don’t need to talk to a filthy hippy for six weeks.<\/p>\n
I’ll take it.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I recently had what I now realize is a rather large success. My next appointment isn’t for six weeks. For those who don’t know, which is probably most people, I have privately struggled with depression for a number of years. It wasn’t until recently that a name was given to my personal rainy day parade….<\/p>\n