{"id":290,"date":"2015-08-07T03:24:06","date_gmt":"2015-08-07T07:24:06","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/eriktait.com\/eriktait\/?p=290"},"modified":"2018-08-02T08:51:43","modified_gmt":"2018-08-02T12:51:43","slug":"strange-bedfellows","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/eriktait.com\/eriktait\/strange-bedfellows\/","title":{"rendered":"Strange Bedfellows"},"content":{"rendered":"
NOTE: To protect the anonymity of certain persons, places, and things some of the descriptions and activities below have been altered or exagerated. \u00a0That being said, the following events are close enough to the truth that this discalimer is probably unnecessary.<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
\n
\n<\/br>
\nAs a professional comedian I have performed in some very strange venues; including but not limited to a magazine office that only contained dogs. My experience entertaining as a professional magician has lead me into waters that can only be described as heroic. While my specialty is working behind the bar as a close-up magician; I have also found myself in Hollywood producer apartments, A Purim ceremony, a gothic nightclub, television studios, sketch comedy theaters, and on one occasion dinner with Hell’s Angels. I owe my eclectic career to an aggressive style of magic performance that some have called acerbic and others have called, “If I give you this money will you please go away?” Recently I found myself in the most unusual magic performance of my career. \u00a0This is the story of how my magic got flipped turned\u00a0upside down and I’m to lazy to finish this refference to the Fresh Prince of Bell Air.<\/p>\n

It was 11 O’clock on a Saturday morning. I had a rare weekend evening off. I was planning on getting some serious video game time in. I am prepetualy one third of the way through last year’s Zelda. \u00a0This weekend I was going to save that god damned princess. \u00a0That was when the phone rang and I was greeted with the phrase, “Our magician is in the hospital, I heard you are good. \u00a0Are you available tonight?” \u00a0I’m certain that this was how Criss Angel was discovered.<\/p>\n

We negotiated my lavish fee and the end of the booking process was concluded with the phrase, “Oh by the way, we are a lifestyle club. \u00a0You are fine with that right?” \u00a0I had no idea what a lifestyle club was, but I wanted the money so I responded, “Oh yeah! \u00a0Not a problem. \u00a0I perform in them all the time. \u00a0See you tonight.” \u00a0I won’t disclose my exact fee for this gig, but you should know that magic is an expensive skill to learn. \u00a0If you had any idea how much time, effort, and money went into becoming as skillfull as I am; you would be surprised that magic didn’t die out as an artform long before Christ figured out you could use a two chambered jug to transfigure water into wine. \u00a0Let’s just say that I’m expensive. \u00a0My clients expect the best, and I give them the best. \u00a0This was gonig to be no exception.<\/p>\n

For those who are unaware ‘Lifestyle Club’ is code for, ‘establishment that caters to swingers.’ \u00a0It was a sex club. \u00a0Not a place where you could buy sex. \u00a0It was a place where you could have sex. \u00a0You could have sex with your partner, someone else’s partner, or a group of people and a combination of partners. \u00a0I found this out about an hour after I agreed to do the gig. \u00a0I don’t have any problems with this type of venue, and neither should you. \u00a0Whatever two consenting adults do behind the closed doors of a former Buffalo Wild Wings is their own damn business. \u00a0It\u00a0won’t hurt you one bit. \u00a0You could also change that previous sentence from ‘two consenting adults’ to ‘forty seven consenting adults’ and you would still be correct.<\/p>\n

I arrived an hour early so I could figure out what exactly was going to happen. \u00a0I have never been employed to do magic in a place where people can have sex without the cops being called. \u00a0I had no idea what to expect. \u00a0My host greated me with all the joy of a six-year old that had been given it’s very own box of cupcakes. \u00a0Not only were they excited to have me, they wanted me to have fun. \u00a0The best way to have fun was to give me a tour of the establishment I was about to ply my trade in. \u00a0The main area was a nice bar with a rather fancy dance floor. \u00a0There was an outdoor patio that had a nice vibe to it. \u00a0There was a buffet of snacks for everyone to partake in. \u00a0So far this place was pretty swank.<\/p>\n

Then they took me to what I like to think of as the “Jackson Pollack Area.” \u00a0This place had room after room where you could have relations with people in every concievable position and some that I hadn’t even thought of. \u00a0There was an honest to goodness porn theater, complete with sticky floor! \u00a0Rooms with one way mirrors. \u00a0Rooms with beds. \u00a0Rooms with walls that you could strap people and things to. \u00a0Rooms with floors that there aren’t adjectives for. \u00a0Rooms designed by people who had an engineering degree for putting people inside other people. \u00a0Black lights, red lights, blue lights, white lights, friday night lights. \u00a0Couches and hot tubs and showers and toys for all the girls and all the boys. \u00a0It was like Candy Land for people not allergic to latex.<\/p>\n

I want to take\u00a0a moment to emphasize how clean this place was. \u00a0There was a code. \u00a0If you used a surface to exchange fluids on, all you had to do was, “Leave The Signal.” \u00a0This let people know that someone had done exactly what you thought they had in the immediate vicinity. \u00a0“The Signal” was a sign for the cleaning crew to attend to this room with gusto. \u00a0There were teams of people roaming around looking for rooms that other people had fucked in, and they sanitized it in no time flat. \u00a0These sex juice squeegee squads had everything down to a science. \u00a0It was like watching a Nascar pit crew drilled by the Bang Brothers. \u00a0They would change the sheets, scrub the surfaces, and have the smell of ball sweat removed from a room faster than you could say, “Do me harder.” \u00a0 This place was amazingly clean. \u00a0I have been in hospitals that could take lessons from this lifestyle club. \u00a0I really want to impress upon the reader\u00a0that even though there were literally scores of people having every type of sex imaginable you could have done open heart surgery on someone with a compromised immune system. \u00a0It was impressive.<\/p>\n

Following the tour I started doing magic for my new audience. \u00a0I got set up at a makeshift casino table in one end of the bar next to a door that lead to, “The Jackson Pollock Area.” \u00a0The first hour went like this.<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. People entered the club.<\/li>\n
  2. They would check their liquor at the bar. (It’s a BYOB establishment.)<\/li>\n
  3. A small group would politely ask me to see a magic trick.<\/li>\n
  4. The group would tip me very well and then excuse themselves to go explore each other’s bathing suit areas.<\/li>\n
  5. The group would return covered in a thin sheen of sweat and ask to see another card trick.<\/li>\n
  6. Lather, rinse, and repeat.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
    <\/div>\n
    As the night went on word got around how awesome the magician was. \u00a0I would be regularly invited to join folks in various areas of the club to entertain other people who hadn’t seen me. \u00a0I like to think that I have excellent concentration skills. \u00a0These were put to the test when I did a magic trick for a young woman who was simultaneously being brought to orgasm by another young woman who was also able to follow the plot of my card effect. \u00a0It is a point of professional pride that I know that both of those women have green eyes.<\/div>\n
    <\/div>\n
    I have to say this was honestly one of the best crowds I have ever performed for. \u00a0When I am performing magic I often find myself in confrontational situations with young men. \u00a0If a woman really likes a card trick an insecure male will usually try to deflate my performance by saying some variation of, “I saw how you did that.” \u00a0I know that they think they saw how I did it, but I don’t really care. \u00a0They want to seem alpha in front of their lady. \u00a0That’s fine with me. \u00a0I’m not crazy and you aren’t six. \u00a0This isn’t real magic. \u00a0I am in a very happy relationship and don’t intend to steal anyone’s partner. \u00a0I’m just here for the money and the chicken wings. \u00a0The group at the swingers club was totally different. \u00a0The men were so secure in their masculinity, and the relationship with their partners, that they often enjoyed the magic more than the women. \u00a0They were throwing money at me, offering me drinks, and trying to get me laid. \u00a0These guys weren’t threatened by me at all. \u00a0There was nothing but mutual love and respect for everyone in the room. \u00a0Who cares if they liked to get spanked with a can of mushroom\u00a0ravioli while watching their wife get bent over a stack of Russian dictionaries by someone they just met. \u00a0These were some of the most genuinely awesome people I have ever met. \u00a0Also they gave me lots of money. \u00a0Also I saw boobs. \u00a0Both of those things may be coloring my experience, but that is beside the point.<\/div>\n
    <\/div>\n

    <\/p>\n

    Entertainers will often ask an establishment for a quote about their performance. \u00a0We use this in our promotional material so other venues will hire us. \u00a0That night at the swingers club I got the absolute greatest quote any magician could ever get. \u00a0Right after I finished a rather good bit of legerdemain a guy turned around and bellowed, “Honey, quit blowing that guy and come watch this! \u00a0He’s amazing.”<\/div>\n
    <\/div>\n

    <\/p>\n

    My magic is so awesome that it is considered better than a blow job.<\/div>\n
    <\/div>\n

    <\/p>\n

    Your move Copperfield.<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    NOTE: To protect the anonymity of certain persons, places, and things some of the descriptions and activities below have been altered or exagerated. \u00a0That being said, the following events are close enough to the truth that this discalimer is probably unnecessary. As a professional comedian I have performed in some very strange venues; including but…<\/p>\n

    <\/i>Continue Reading<\/a><\/p>","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[1,40],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-290","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-home","category-news"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"yoast_head":"\nStrange Bedfellows - Erik Tait<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/eriktait.com\/eriktait\/strange-bedfellows\/\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Erik\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"8 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/eriktait.com\/eriktait\/strange-bedfellows\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/eriktait.com\/eriktait\/strange-bedfellows\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"Erik\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/eriktait.com\/eriktait\/#\/schema\/person\/126e4faad934c65051a57fe8799e1f9d\"},\"headline\":\"Strange Bedfellows\",\"datePublished\":\"2015-08-07T07:24:06+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2018-08-02T12:51:43+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/eriktait.com\/eriktait\/strange-bedfellows\/\"},\"wordCount\":1622,\"articleSection\":[\"Home\",\"News\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/eriktait.com\/eriktait\/strange-bedfellows\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/eriktait.com\/eriktait\/strange-bedfellows\/\",\"name\":\"Strange Bedfellows - Erik Tait\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/eriktait.com\/eriktait\/#website\"},\"datePublished\":\"2015-08-07T07:24:06+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2018-08-02T12:51:43+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/eriktait.com\/eriktait\/#\/schema\/person\/126e4faad934c65051a57fe8799e1f9d\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/eriktait.com\/eriktait\/strange-bedfellows\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/eriktait.com\/eriktait\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/eriktait.com\/eriktait\/\",\"name\":\"Erik Tait\",\"description\":\"Erik Tait\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\/\/eriktait.com\/eriktait\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":{\"@type\":\"PropertyValueSpecification\",\"valueRequired\":true,\"valueName\":\"search_term_string\"}}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"Person\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/eriktait.com\/eriktait\/#\/schema\/person\/126e4faad934c65051a57fe8799e1f9d\",\"name\":\"Erik\",\"image\":{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/eriktait.com\/eriktait\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/6300dfd2d459c724881e3d74d2d288f57fa00175079250621b570f8752d9edf9?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/6300dfd2d459c724881e3d74d2d288f57fa00175079250621b570f8752d9edf9?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"caption\":\"Erik\"},\"url\":\"https:\/\/eriktait.com\/eriktait\/author\/admin\/\"}]}<\/script>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"Strange Bedfellows - Erik Tait","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/eriktait.com\/eriktait\/strange-bedfellows\/","twitter_misc":{"Written by":"Erik","Est. reading time":"8 minutes"},"schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"Article","@id":"https:\/\/eriktait.com\/eriktait\/strange-bedfellows\/#article","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/eriktait.com\/eriktait\/strange-bedfellows\/"},"author":{"name":"Erik","@id":"https:\/\/eriktait.com\/eriktait\/#\/schema\/person\/126e4faad934c65051a57fe8799e1f9d"},"headline":"Strange Bedfellows","datePublished":"2015-08-07T07:24:06+00:00","dateModified":"2018-08-02T12:51:43+00:00","mainEntityOfPage":{"@id":"https:\/\/eriktait.com\/eriktait\/strange-bedfellows\/"},"wordCount":1622,"articleSection":["Home","News"],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/eriktait.com\/eriktait\/strange-bedfellows\/","url":"https:\/\/eriktait.com\/eriktait\/strange-bedfellows\/","name":"Strange Bedfellows - Erik Tait","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/eriktait.com\/eriktait\/#website"},"datePublished":"2015-08-07T07:24:06+00:00","dateModified":"2018-08-02T12:51:43+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/eriktait.com\/eriktait\/#\/schema\/person\/126e4faad934c65051a57fe8799e1f9d"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/eriktait.com\/eriktait\/strange-bedfellows\/"]}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/eriktait.com\/eriktait\/#website","url":"https:\/\/eriktait.com\/eriktait\/","name":"Erik Tait","description":"Erik Tait","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/eriktait.com\/eriktait\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":{"@type":"PropertyValueSpecification","valueRequired":true,"valueName":"search_term_string"}}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/eriktait.com\/eriktait\/#\/schema\/person\/126e4faad934c65051a57fe8799e1f9d","name":"Erik","image":{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/eriktait.com\/eriktait\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/","url":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/6300dfd2d459c724881e3d74d2d288f57fa00175079250621b570f8752d9edf9?s=96&d=mm&r=g","contentUrl":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/6300dfd2d459c724881e3d74d2d288f57fa00175079250621b570f8752d9edf9?s=96&d=mm&r=g","caption":"Erik"},"url":"https:\/\/eriktait.com\/eriktait\/author\/admin\/"}]}},"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/eriktait.com\/eriktait\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/290","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/eriktait.com\/eriktait\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/eriktait.com\/eriktait\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/eriktait.com\/eriktait\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/eriktait.com\/eriktait\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=290"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"https:\/\/eriktait.com\/eriktait\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/290\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":302,"href":"https:\/\/eriktait.com\/eriktait\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/290\/revisions\/302"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/eriktait.com\/eriktait\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=290"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/eriktait.com\/eriktait\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=290"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/eriktait.com\/eriktait\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=290"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}