A few days ago as of this writing a gorilla was shot at the Cincinnati zoo in order to protect a child that had fallen into it’s enclosure.\u00a0 It is tragic all around.\u00a0 I’m not here to present blame.\u00a0 It is absolutely not the fault of the zoo.\u00a0 Even an ardent conservationist like myself believes that if you have to choose between the gorilla and a child, you chose the child every time.\u00a0 After hearing accounts that the child got away from the mother, I’m less inclined to lay the blame on her.\u00a0 Kids disappear.\u00a0 It’s part of the reason I don’t have any.\u00a0 It’s also not the fault of having animals in zoos to begin with.\u00a0 The Cincinnati zoo is an excellent institution, and unfortunately because humans keep fucking up the environment they are necessary.\u00a0 Look, without zoos we would no longer have Mexican Wolves in the wild.\u00a0 Very often after we have extirpated animals from the wild the only way to bring them back is captive breeding and reintroduction programs.\u00a0 Zoological institutions are the only line of defense against losing every amphibian in South and Central America from a deadly fungus.\u00a0 Stopping all animal captivity will only result in more species loss.\u00a0 In this situation the only one who really did anything wrong was the kid.\u00a0 I really want to yell at the kid, but how do you scream at a three year old for doing what a three year old does?<\/p>\n
The solution is leashes.<\/p>\n
I believe that we should require all children under the age of 12 to wear a leash in public.\u00a0 Kids falling into animal enclosures are not the only problem this country faces.\u00a0 Young children are running rampant all over this great nation of ours and the only way to stop that is leashes.<\/p>\n
I used to be very anti child leashes.\u00a0 I thought they were ridiculous and demeaning and why don’t you just learn to use condoms and get a dog.\u00a0 I’ve totally changed my thinking on this.\u00a0 Leashes for children are not only useful they are a necessity.\u00a0 We must leash the small children of this nation.<\/p>\n
Just a few weeks ago I was drinking coffee while shopping for dinner ingredients.\u00a0 This is a decadent experience.\u00a0 If you haven’t tried it you really should.\u00a0 Then you will thank me for introducing you to the only way to enjoy purchasing groceries.\u00a0 I was in the process of selecting a shallot for a sauce that I was to be building that evening when my bliss was shattered by a four year old careening into me.\u00a0 The coffee fell from my hands and drenched a nearby collection of avocados.\u00a0 The mother of this child did profusely apologize and replaced my coffee, but the child in question continued to run amuck in the organic produce section.<\/p>\n
A leash could have prevented this.<\/p>\n
I have on two separate occasions worked in a Verizon store.\u00a0 I’m not proud of it.\u00a0 The only people more reviled by society than cell phone salesman are Department of Motor Vehicles clerks.\u00a0 I needed the money.\u00a0 Quit judging me.\u00a0 Every day people with young children would come in and following them would be a string of apologies for their children systematically dismantling a display that I would then have to spend hours putting back together.<\/p>\n
A leash could have prevented this.<\/p>\n
Children under the age of 12 can’t be held accountable for anything.\u00a0 They are still learning about the world.\u00a0 You can yell at them a lot but their brains are basically pudding.\u00a0 They don’t know if something is dangerous, and can’t be held responsible for wanting to experience something.\u00a0 Experiencing new things is how they make their brains not pudding.\u00a0 Over the age of twelve they become teenagers, which are universally violent psychopaths that should be stored on an island away from society until they can learn to turn down their damn rock and roll music.<\/p>\n
If you are going to bring a child into this world that’s your own prerogative.\u00a0 However, you should be warned that as soon as they are mobile they will have a tendency to run towards fluffy things and attractive strangers.\u00a0 It’s going to happen.\u00a0 It’s not a matter of if but a matter of when.\u00a0 Leash the little fuckers.\u00a0 I’m not saying it can’t be one of those retractable leashes like some dog owners have.\u00a0 If you want to let them run outdoors, then by all means do so.\u00a0 Just make sure they are tethered to you or a heavy object.\u00a0 The only sure fire way to prevent a small child from sprinting directly away from you and ruining everything is to put them on a leash.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
A few days ago as of this writing a gorilla was shot at the Cincinnati zoo in order to protect a child that had fallen into it’s enclosure.\u00a0 It is tragic all around.\u00a0 I’m not here to present blame.\u00a0 It is absolutely not the fault of the zoo.\u00a0 Even an ardent conservationist like myself believes…<\/p>\n