Recently my good friend Dustin Meadows asked me to join the cast of Whiskey Bear Comedy Presents: The Roast of Batman. Whiskey Bear Comedy does periodic roasts of fictional characters which are lots of fun. Usually some of Columbus’ finest comedians dress up as iconic characters and write cutting jokes about pop culture icons. In honor of the long awaited Batman Vs Superman movie I was asked to join The Roast of Batman. I’m a terrible actor, and piss poor at cosplay, so I wrote my set from the perspective of an ordinary citizen of Gotham City. I sort of got distracted from writing jokes having recently seen the movie. Then this happened. The text of my roast is below the video. The meat of my film review is after the poorly written roast jokes.
Note: Below is a direct transcription of my notes for the show. Odd punctuation and capitalization is how I cue myself to change my delivery style. Sorry if this throws off the reader. Also there are some spoilers of Dawn of Justice. I probably should note that above the video, but I don’t really care that much about preventing spoilers at this point in the film’s release.
SHITTY ROAST JOKES
“Give it up for your roast master and former child pornography star Night Wing.
My name is Bret Harlow. I live in Gotham City, straight out of the 666. That’s our area code. As I said, I’m from Gotham and I don’t know why I am here.
Green Lantern is here because Batman didn’t want to be the only one with a shitty movie on this stage. I know that you are John Stewart, and weren’t in the 2011 CGI dry heave that was the Green Lantern Movie, but let’s be honest. Ryan Reynolds will end up playing you too, continuing the uninterrupted string of failed DC movie franchises and disappointing comic book fans everywhere.
The last time Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn were on the same stage, I’m pretty sure it was to promote a girl on girl tape being produced by Vivid Entertainment.
Hey Catwoman. The last time I saw a pussy that big it was named The Riddler.
Enough about the Rogue’s Gallery that didn’t merit it’s own video game.
We are here to roast The Batman, or as everyone in Gotham knows him, Bruce Wayne. Everyone in Gotham has known exactly who you were since day one. You are the only rich guy in town who also owns a weapons manufacturer and shows up to parties covered in scars and missing half his teeth. Oh, I wonder who the Batman is? Could it be that guy sulking in the corner with the permanent raccoon eyes? Fuck you. The only reason Gotham City Magazine keeps giving you the “Most Eligible Bachelor” title year after year is because they are afraid that if they don’t you’ll fling baterangs through their office windows you deranged poor excuse for a ninja.
Also, while we are on the topic of secret identities; Dick Grayson, Jason Todd, Damien Wayne. Those are the boys who have been Robin, and in that order. Did you think no-one noticed that the secretive billionaire took in orphaned children at the exact same time the Batman started dressing up kids in hand me down circus clothes? You’re like if Jared Fogel had a violent clown fetish.
Who am I kidding, you do have a violent clown fetish. You and the Joker have slammed hams so many times it’s a wonder Outlook magazine haven’t given your taints an award for durability.
You claim to defend Gotham, but let’s be honest. You own Wayne Industries, which owns Wayne Construction, which rebuilds all the buildings in town when The Batman drives his tank like car that shoots missiles and everything else that’s “Not a gun” to knock all the shit over. You’re not a hero. You’re the vigilante version of a body shop that keys a neighborhood full of cars in the middle of the night.
IMPASSIONED FILM REVIEW
What was with you in Batman Vs. Superman? Did you loan your costume to The Punisher?
I thought your first rule was that you don’t kill people, and the second rule is that you don’t use guns? You shot so many people in that last movie I was having flash backs to that time in the 70’s when you gunned down a bunch of Dolphins.
That’s right, October 1970, Detective number 404 The Caped Crusader used a sniper right to murder dolphins like he was working for a Japanese Whaling ship.
In terms of plot structure and historical significance Batman Vs. Superman was the cinematic equivalent of the sound a medical grade double ended dildo makes when it slides out of someone’s ass and wetly slaps the cement floor of a children’s daycare that is being used to shoot low budget porno on a Thursday afternoon in Detroit.
This isn’t an issue of not being able to make a great comic book movie. Marvel has done that time and again. They reference original source material while modernizing it and streamlining it into a razor sharp plot that is easy to follow and a pleasure to watch whether your are a fan from as early as the 1970’s or just meeting the characters for the first time.
It’s like DC doesn’t even read the brilliant source material, that it wrote to begin with, when it goes to the movies. Marvel had the foresight to hire Joss Wedon who knows what rising and action. plot structure, and foreshadowing are, all the while DC keeps shoveling money down the festival of underpants stains that is Zach Sneyder’s career. The real pisser of it all is that DC has the best animated films in the genre. Period. End of Discussion. While Marvel continues to pump out bizarre team ups like Black Widow and The Punisher, and Wolverine Vs Hulk DC produces artistic masterpieces like Under The Red Hood and Return of The Joker. It’s not that hard DC. You just make those movies with real people instead of Korean animators, and you chain Zach Sneyder to a broken radiator and don’t let him near beloved characters that have inspired three generations of people to be good humans.
I’ve been a fan of DC comics for over 20 years, but I have lost hope. I am finally willing to admit that we will have a cure for AIDS you can buy at a McDonalds drive through before The Justice League isn’t pissed all over like an extra in an R. Kelley sex tape. A movie needs one plot line Zach Sneyder. ONE!!! A first year film student knows you don’t cram the setup of twelve different iconic story arcs into a two and a half hour grudge match using outlandish dream sequences that belong in a fucking David Cronenberg film. This isn’t Crash meets The Naked Lunch. It’s Batman god damnit. You haven’t even introduced the concept of the Multiverse and the Monitor or the Anti-monitor and you have The Flash, A CHARACTER THAT HASN”T EVEN BEEN MENTIONED IN THE FILM YET, popping out of the speed force to talk to Batman in a dream scene that isn’t related to ANYTHING. Why are you setting up Flashpoint?! FLASHPOINT WAS A DEVICE TO SETUP NEW 52. THE FLASHPOINT STORY IS A REBOOT OF THE ENTIRE DC UNIVERSE AND ALL OF IT’S IMPRINTS! WHY WOULD YOU TRY AND SET UP A REBOOT INSIDE OF A REBOOT!! IS ZACH SNEYDER HUFFING JOKER GAS OUT OF WHERE GEOFF JOHN’S SOUL USED TO BE? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON???!!!!!
I say all that as a citizen of Gotham City.
If you were the hero our city needed you wouldn’t punch bad guys, you’d fight the real Joker. Zack Fucking Snyder.”
If you want to find out more about some of the great shows Whiskey Bear Comedy puts on visit their website at www.WhiskeyBearComedy.com