A Solution To A Problem

A few days ago as of this writing a gorilla was shot at the Cincinnati zoo in order to protect a child that had fallen into it’s enclosure.  It is tragic all around.  I’m not here to present blame.  It is absolutely not the fault of the zoo.  Even an ardent conservationist like myself believes that if you have to choose between the gorilla and a child, you chose the child every time.  After hearing accounts that the child got away from the mother, I’m less inclined to lay the blame on her.  Kids disappear.  It’s part of the reason I don’t have any.  It’s also not the fault of having animals in zoos to begin with.  The Cincinnati zoo is an excellent institution, and unfortunately because humans keep fucking up the environment they are necessary.  Look, without zoos we would no longer have Mexican Wolves in the wild.  Very often after we have extirpated animals from the wild the only way to bring them back is captive breeding and reintroduction programs.  Zoological institutions are the only line of defense against losing every amphibian in South and Central America from a deadly fungus.  Stopping all animal captivity will only result in more species loss.  In this situation the only one who really did anything wrong was the kid.  I really want to yell at the kid, but how do you scream at a three year old for doing what a three year old does?

The solution is leashes.

I believe that we should require all children under the age of 12 to wear a leash in public.  Kids falling into animal enclosures are not the only problem this country faces.  Young children are running rampant all over this great nation of ours and the only way to stop that is leashes.

I used to be very anti child leashes.  I thought they were ridiculous and demeaning and why don’t you just learn to use condoms and get a dog.  I’ve totally changed my thinking on this.  Leashes for children are not only useful they are a necessity.  We must leash the small children of this nation.

Just a few weeks ago I was drinking coffee while shopping for dinner ingredients.  This is a decadent experience.  If you haven’t tried it you really should.  Then you will thank me for introducing you to the only way to enjoy purchasing groceries.  I was in the process of selecting a shallot for a sauce that I was to be building that evening when my bliss was shattered by a four year old careening into me.  The coffee fell from my hands and drenched a nearby collection of avocados.  The mother of this child did profusely apologize and replaced my coffee, but the child in question continued to run amuck in the organic produce section.

A leash could have prevented this.

I have on two separate occasions worked in a Verizon store.  I’m not proud of it.  The only people more reviled by society than cell phone salesman are Department of Motor Vehicles clerks.  I needed the money.  Quit judging me.  Every day people with young children would come in and following them would be a string of apologies for their children systematically dismantling a display that I would then have to spend hours putting back together.

A leash could have prevented this.

Children under the age of 12 can’t be held accountable for anything.  They are still learning about the world.  You can yell at them a lot but their brains are basically pudding.  They don’t know if something is dangerous, and can’t be held responsible for wanting to experience something.  Experiencing new things is how they make their brains not pudding.  Over the age of twelve they become teenagers, which are universally violent psychopaths that should be stored on an island away from society until they can learn to turn down their damn rock and roll music.

If you are going to bring a child into this world that’s your own prerogative.  However, you should be warned that as soon as they are mobile they will have a tendency to run towards fluffy things and attractive strangers.  It’s going to happen.  It’s not a matter of if but a matter of when.  Leash the little fuckers.  I’m not saying it can’t be one of those retractable leashes like some dog owners have.  If you want to let them run outdoors, then by all means do so.  Just make sure they are tethered to you or a heavy object.  The only sure fire way to prevent a small child from sprinting directly away from you and ruining everything is to put them on a leash.