Why Fallout Shelter Is The Creepiest Game Ever

I love my games. My Wii U and I are good friends. Every couple of weeks I play Smash Brothers with a friend’s children, all the while trash talking the youngsters. I really like games on my iPhone. I am not the biggest console game player in the world. A quick hit of social gaming is perfect for the way I play. Clash of Clans, Angry Birds, Candy Crush, and Trivia Crack are all staples on my phone. I may play games slightly more than the average person, but I think that my play habits are fairly normal.

All that changed when I downloaded Fallout Shelter.

The idea behind Fallout Shelter is a pretty good one. You have been appointed the leader of an underground bunker following the apocalypse. It is your job the expand this shelter thereby improving the life of it’s inhabitants. You can do better by assigning your “Dwellers” to different tasks that they may be more adept at. Build other rooms to increase their skills, and fight off the various incursions that the wastelands throw at you. It’s like a post-apocalyptic Sim City. The happier your Dwellers are, the more they level up, the more in game currency you make, and the bigger you can make your bunker. The best way to get more in game currency is by growing your population. To do that you can build a radio center and try and attract new dwellers out of the race. A faster option is to create more Dwellers the old fashioned way.

You guys. I’ve been breeding cartoons.

The game has living quarters that you can build and assign dwellers to. If it is full of same sex dwellers then they will just dance and hangout. If it contains two dwellers of the opposite sex they will immediately start flirting. Within five minutes they rush to the back of the living quarters. The door slams and smiley faces happen for thirty seconds. When the smiley faces stop a very happy looking male dweller emerges followed by a very tired and very pregnant looking female dweller. She eventually gives birth to a child dweller that is a strange hybrid of it’s parents. Apparently in this post apocalyptic world baby dudes can get full sensual lips and ladies can get a receding hairline before they hit puberty. I feel like the Gregor Mendel of Armageddon.

What has me so fascinated by this game is that every time you drag a couple into the living quarters they immediately get to banging. By drag, I do literally mean drag. You physically click and drag the characters into the room where they flirt like there is an angry and capricious god leaning over them screaming, “DO THE THING WHERE YOU SQUISH YOUR BATHROOM PARTS TOGETHER!!!”

Dwellers will mate no matter what is going on. If there is an attack by marauders, we’ll deal with that after banging. Radioactive roaches? Let’s fuck. Fire? Just makes bare-backing even hotter. I have literally seen two cartoon characters whip out an alien blaster and a sniper riffle, gun down probably the only other human left in existence, then mate before it’s corpse has disappeared from the screen.

The only time that the Dwellers will not immediately begin naked rough housing is if they know that they are related. However, as the geometric progression of my bunker grows they have refused to mate less frequently, leading me to believe that I can teach a computer that incest is alright if someone is your third cousin.

To Bethesda Games I say bravo on an amazing game. It’s a very needy game that necessitates me logging in all the time and wasting countless minutes trying to get the perfect balance of resources to people. Fallout Shelter has transformed me from a mild mannered social gamer into an overly aggressive eugenics fanatic. If you never see any more blog posts from me it is because I’ve devoted my life to teaching animated people the finer points of group sex.